Worst feeling is.. When you know. You're absolutely worthless. And its getting worse day by day. Just felt like im a trash.

Im dying

Hey, what are you doing? I wish that you miss me like i miss you. Anak luna mati semua, aku gatau apa yg salah, aku ga apa apain. Tapi kemarin pas aku satuin luna ssma sansa lagi mereka kawin lagi. Jadi mungkin kamu bakal dapet hamster juga. Mereka kawin mulu, mudah mudahan anaknya banyak ya.
Rama inget ga pas aku bilang aku sakit? Aku udah selesai periksa, medical check lagi. Walaupun mahal dan ngabisin sisa uang gaji, malah masih ngutang ke mba nendi dan uang binder blm aku setor. Aku juga lagi pusing balikinnya gimana nanti. Tapi kyknya penting bgt buat aku untuk sembuh dulu.
Katanya aku sakit hepatitis B ram. Aneh ya. Kamu sendiri bilang mata aku putih, aku taunya kalo ada masalah hati mata orang bakal yellowish, eh kok aku ngga. Tapi ternyata gejala ga muncul ke semua orang. Apalagi yg kuat, biasanya ga keliatan. Tapi gejala lain yg lemes, dan selalu ngantuk emang aku rasain bener. Buktinya aku bisa seharian tidur di kosan kamu ya. Denger itu rasanya hancur bgt. Terlebih aku belum berani cerita kekamu, dan ketika aku mau cerita skrg kamu gaada. Tapi kayaknya lebih baik kamu gatau.
Aku disuruh minum jamu brotowali, pait bgt deh, tapi kata papa dulu papa minum itu. Papa aku emang pernah hepatitis waktu kecil. Dan pernah diprediksi umurnya ga jauh dari 10 tahun lagi, kayak aku. Katanya sih kalo sakit ini will soon be sirosis pengerasan/kanker hati. Hahaha selama ini aku sering minta mati aja, eh didenger Allah. Tapii katanta kalo aku kuat aku bakal jadi carrier.
Rasanya sedih dibilang gitu. 10 tahun lagi mungkin aku udah punya anak, udah ngajar di sekolahan beneran, udah nikah. Kayaknya mimpi aku dihancurin semua. Aku jadi sering nangis sendiri.
Kapan ya kita baikan lagi ram? Belakangan ini aku suka baca chat lama. Sama posting lama tentang aku abis jadian sama kamu heheee. Aku seneng bgt ya waktu itu. Makasih loh bikin kebahagiaan yg tak ternilai di hidup aku. Terus liat chat pas kamunya gemes, bilang sayang sama aku wkwkw. Sama chat Dimana kamu lemot, akunya marah wkwkw, but always ends prefectly baikan dan sayang lagi. Abis itu kita kayak "peluk yukkk", "maafin aku ya" satu sama lain. Aku gatau salah aku apa sampe kamu diemin. Tapi yg jelas aku kan ga pernah boongin kamu, ga pernah males sama kamu, kayak kamu boong ke aku. Aku cuma suka marah marah, iyasih kamu gasuka dimarahin tapi... Ya gitu
Tapi kalo kali ini kita ga baikan gapapa kok. Aku juga ngerti jadi orang yg diomelin terus itu gaenak. Dan dipaksa untuk nalar harus ini harus itu sementara kita gatau itu nyebelin. Aku juga gabisa bayangin kalo kita berlanjut, punya anak, yg taunya aku carrier bikin anak kita penyakitan. I think you deserve a better love too. Yg dapat ngerti dan sayangin kamu, ga emosian kayak aku. Maafin aku ya rama. I will gladly let you choose your own decision. Akumah gapapa. Aku sedih krn sakit, tapi I promise you I'll be okay. Kata kevin kamu sakit ya. Cepet sembuh yaaa. Aku doain yg terbaik untuk kamu

a foolish

well that time i got hit by a brainless driver, it gave me so much pain. and im super dissapointed with the fact that not a single person cared. well some people does, they even called me straight after class, ask about my condition, but i more dissapointed by the fact that, the person who did show an effort, wasnt the person that i thought they worried, they love, and they actually cared. i think that's the point. honestly, i just need a hug. pathetic? yes. but i really am. i just cant stand it anymore. i want to cry.

speaking about that jerk, i think, well,, every relationship would literally goes to this phase. where theres nobody hanging. its not that i dont want to but idk my whole mind, body, and soul rejected it. i know that we've been through many great things, but its a different story when our boat is leaking, when the love is rot and rot every single day. i dont want to cry, i dont want to think about it anymore.

i keep on wandering, am i wrong for wanting more thoughtfulness? like everyone shows me how much they cared?

well i've met a gaming friend guy whose coincidentally, his house is in front of my university. Good look, well built body with a slick back long hair. fleshy one. that.... i think he catch my interest a bit. Cause... duh, who can resist a smart and funny man? Really? he said that "you know what? you're actually perfect. you're smart, regal, you like the nature, you loved every animal (maybe cause he saw me playing with my friend's cats, bird, and cicada), your voice is amazing, you cooked well, you make a great cake (maybe cause i cooked all of my friend a fried rice, but hein... it's just a fried rice how can u tell a person is good at cooking for a fried rice? lol. and I gave my community a cupcake), and you can play guitar (dammit, i actually sucks). its so nice to know you, please post something to the group so i can add you." he was insane. but his words.. make me think that:

ive been a fool for still loving a man even after years he dumped me. so this time i'll have to be clever enough to not to give a single fuck to a lousy heartless dickhead who act like he got nothing that cross his mind to solve any problem, like ANY problem. he doesnt even seemed to care or even trying to made up. im not ugly, im not stupid, and yet i can do anything well. surprising for me the fact that i dont even care right now. its like im a different person cause.. didnt give a fuck, definitely not my jam.